why your anxiety has increased during quarantine

The other day I plopped down on the couch and clicked on the TV. What should I watch? echoed briefly through my mind. I almost laughed out loud at that ridiculous question, because I already knew what I was going to watch. My fingers flew mindlessly over the remote until the familiar sounds of “The Office” theme song filled my living room. 

I paused, then… This was now the second time I was watching “The Office” through. The second time during quarantine. My mind wandered, thinking about the other shows and movies I had been watching during lockdown. The “Harry Potter” series, which I’ve seen too many times to count. “New Girl,” a second time through. “To All the Boys I’ve Loved Before,” three times during quarantine. (Don’t ask me why on that one, because I’m not so sure myself.)

After realizing with horror that most of what I’ve been watching during lockdown is things I’ve already seen multiple times, I remembered a conversation I had with one of my friends a few years back. She suffers from anxiety, and told me that she read an article stating that people who have anxiety tend to re-watch or re-read things multiple times because there is no mystery -- they already know the ending. It provides a sense of calm and control in their otherwise uncontrollable-seeming life.

Makes sense, right? All in all, my quarantine experience has really been ok. I have had some great highs and also some very low lows, but I wouldn’t have necessarily said my anxiety increased until I reflected on my new TV-watching behavior. Now, I know that it definitely has. 

Maybe it’s the Groundhog Day-esque feel of this whole thing. Get up, turn on the computer, burn your eyes for 8 hours, close your computer, try to workout, go to sleep, repeat. Maybe it’s the not knowing how things will turn out. Will we ever live in a world again where masks aren’t a thing? Maybe it’s the ubiquitous, constantly depressing news that is fed to us from all angles. Maybe it’s knowing you are quite literally stuck where you are, with nowhere to go. Maybe it’s having a glass or two of wine almost every night because there’s nothing else to do. Probably it’s all of that, plus more.

I’m not saying I have an answer to this increased anxiety, I’m just saying that if you’re feeling it too, you’ve got a friend in me.  

Thankfully, I have an appointment with my therapist today. Literally counting down the hours.